Rabbi Charles P. Sherman
Clark Jared Plost Bar Mitzvah
Shabbat Vayakhel
March 1, 2003

Grandfather of the Year

I want to thank Clark Plost for inspiring this morning's sermon topic. As many of you know, I work for several weeks with each Bar or Bat Mitzvah candidate on their personal prayer. It is an interesting experience, as I get to know each of our students a little bit better.

One of the things which stood out for me in my discussions with Clark was the importance of his grandparents in his life. Now Clark has a distinct advantage - all four of his grandparents lived in Tulsa and, in fact, relatively nearby. One of the major changes in American culture is that two generations ago most of us lived in the same city as our grandparents; today, hardly anyone does. Many children nowadays think that their grandparents live at the airport, because that is where they go to pick them up for a visit once or twice a year. That is very sad, both for grandparents and for grandchildren.

You know the old joke - "why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? Because they have a common enemy." I think that is true, but the enemy is not the parents - the enemy is amnesia. Grandparents and grandchildren get along so well because they need each other. For grandparents, grandchildren are their link to the future; for grandchildren, grandparents are their link to the past. That is why it is so sad that daily contact between grandparents and grandchildren has become, for most of us, a thing of the past. I believe we should do whatever we can to strengthen the bonds between the generations, even though geography may be against us.

I actually envy you, Clark. You have three grandparents on this bima this morning, and we all feel your Grandpa Bob's presence - even though he is not physically here. All of your grandparents have been important to you and close to you. I never knew a grandfather; both of mine died before I was born and, in fact, I carry on both their names. It is interesting that now that we have two married children, Nancy and I have become grandparents-in-anticipation - not yet grandparents-in-waiting, but certainly we anticipate grandparenthood. We have more and more friends who talk with us about and share pictures of their grandchildren.

Some synagogues nowadays observe a "Grandparents Shabbat," a day on which children either come to services with their grandparents or else are matched up with substitute grandparents if their own live far away. I think it is a good idea which we should consider instituting here. If the links between the generations become weak, civilization itself is weakened. Animals know their children, they do not know their grandchildren; but, human beings do - that is one of the pillars of civilization. Therefore we ought to do whatever we can to strengthen the bonds between grandparents and grandchildren. If we do have a Grandparents Shabbat, we ought to find a role model each year, a special grandparent to honor and emulate. So this morning, let me offer a suggestion as to who should be the first Grandfather of the Year.

In the Jewish tradition, Abraham is known as Avraham Avinu - Abraham our Father; and Sarah is known as Sarah Imeynu - Sarah our Mother. They are considered the prototypes of what it means to be a parent. Looking for a model grandparent in the Jewish tradition, I'm going to suggest someone who most of you have probably never heard of, someone whose name appears only a few times in our Bible and once in the Midrash. I would like to nominate Hur as the model of what it means to be a grandparent.

If you listened carefully to Clark this morning, he mentioned Hur's name. The Torah, last week and this week, talks about Bezalel, the architect who designed and built our People's first sanctuary, the Mishkan in the wilderness. Bezalel is introduced to us in a rather unusual way. Most all the other characters in the Bible are introduced as so-and-so the son of so-and-so - that is the way Jews are still called to the Torah. But Bezalel is introduced to us as "Bezalel ben Uri ben Hur". Bezalel, the son of his father, Uri, and the grandson of his grandfather Hur. Why? What did Hur do that was so special?

I want to share two possibilities with you. One comes from the Midrash on the story of the golden calf. The sages are confounded, as I spoke with you about last week. Why did Aaron give in so docilely and build the idol? Why didn't he say "no"? Why didn't Aaron resist? And they base their answer on the phrase vayar mizbayach l'fanav - which means "he saw an altar before him." Well, as you know, the Torah has no vowels, so some rabbis read it not as mizbayach but as mizavuach, which means "the one who was slaughtered."

This Midrash says that Hur tried to stand up to the mob and stop them from building the calf. But in their frenzy, the Israelites trampled over him and killed him and, when Aaron saw that, he gave in and built the calf. What was the point of trying to reason with a mob that was out of control?

According to this Midrash, Hur was a martyr and, if so, then perhaps the story of his martyrdom and his bravery was remembered in his family and told to his grandchildren, and that is what inspired Bezalel to devote his life to the service of God. It could be.

Another possibility. Perhaps Hur did not die before Bezalel was born. Perhaps it was the way Hur lived and not his death which inspired his grandchild. Perhaps Hur paid attention to him, walked with him, played with him, prayed with him, talked to him and, therefore, Bezalel grew up to become a loyal and loving servant of God. Could be.

So here we have two possible explanations for why Bezalel is described as the son of Uri, the grandson of Hur. Perhaps it was the stories which were told to him in his childhood about how his grandfather died that inspired him; or, perhaps it was the time that his grandfather spent with him when he was a child - teaching him, playing with him, praying with - him that inspired Bezalel. Either way, the story of Hur stands as proof of how much a grandparent can influence a grandchild - either by his own life story or by paying attention to him and giving him time.

So the challenge for many today is how can we who live hundreds of miles away from our grandchildren do what Hur did? How can we influence and help to teach our grandchildren from a distance? This is where Clark's grandparents have had a great advantage. But don't give up - you who are grandparents or who have grandparents who live at a distance.

There is a psychologist who lives in San Diego named Dr. Mantell who has a kind of "Dear Abby" column in the local Jewish newspaper. People write in and ask him for guidance on all kinds of matters which bother them, and he gives them his answers. Recently someone wrote in asking for guidance on the question before us today - how to be a good grandparent, especially when you live far away from your grandchildren.

Now on a certain level, the idea of writing to an expert on how to be a good grandparent sounds a little foreign to Jews. Can you imagine our Bubbes and Zeidis writing to a consultant asking for advice on how to be a good grandparent? They didn't go to experts or read books on how to be a grandparent; they did it instinctively. They felt that if you loved your grandchildren to pieces, that if you cared about them with all your heart, that you would know what to do. And, if you made a mistake - nu - they'll forgive you. Since they saw them everyday, they did not worry about saying the wrong word or doing the wrong thing. If they did or said something wrong today - nu - they'd make up for it by making an extra bowl of chicken soup or an extra batch of cookies tomorrow.

But now some grandparents have evidently become so insecure, so unsure of themselves, so afraid that they may do or say something wrong that will stunt the grandchildren's growth or spoil their relationship with them, that they write to experts asking for guidance. It is another sad sign of the times. But Dr. Mantell writes back and gives a number of practical suggestions on how to be a grandparent from a distance.

Mantell says first that if your grandchild says something bad to you, don't take it personally. Kids say the darndest things and, if you don't make a big fuss over it, they get over it and forget about it. So if your grandchild says "I'm never gonna talk to you again," don't take it personally and don't get upset because "never" in the life of a small child is usually less than three or four hours. But if you demand an apology or make a big deal of it, you only embarrass the child and reinforce what he or she has said, and that does no good.

Dr. Mantell's next suggestion is that you should try to spend time alone with each grandchild if that is at all possible. When you come for a brief visit, it may be hard; but try to take each grandchild separately for a walk or to the movies or for lunch or whatever it is that you will both enjoy, so that each one feels that they have had some time which is just for them, some time when they are made to feel special.

I'm familiar with one family where grandparents take each of their grandchildren on a trip to New York City when they reach a certain age. They stay at a hotel, go to Rockefeller Center, Radio City Music Hall, the United Nations, Statue of Liberty, and other such places. The fact that they go on their own and not with their siblings makes it a very special event, one which they always will remember.

Dr. Mantell's next suggestion is particularly insightful. Children have a special relationship with their grandparents; they look upon them as different. A child may lie to his parents, but not to his grandparents. Some days a kid hates his parents, but never his grandparents. And so grandparents can ask the hard questions which parents sometimes are unable to ask, such as "why are your eyes so red?" "Why are you doing so poorly in school?" "Are you on drugs?"

The same child who cons his parents is ashamed to do that to his grandparents and so, without betraying their trust or violating their confidence, a loving, understanding grandparent can discuss the dangers of drugs with the child whom they love - and they should.

Another suggestion that Dr. Mantell makes almost in passing is that grandparents should not constantly send expensive gifts to their grandchildren. There is no reason to feel guilty because you live far away, and no one should try to substitute for his or her presence with gifts or try to buy love with bribes. If you are always sending expensive gifts, you open them up to competition with their friends over who has the most lavish grandparents, which is not a good thing, and you open yourself up to the trap of how to top yourself next year, what to buy them after you've already gotten them far more than they need or ought to have.

Instead of giving your grandchildren expensive gifts, Dr. Mantell advises that you ought to send them letters, pictures, home videos and cassettes of stories which they can listen to at bedtime, stories which express your values and which embody your memories. If you can't be there to put them to sleep, much as you would like to, then what could be better than recording a message of love or reading them a bedtime story which they can listen to as they fall asleep. If you are separated from your grandchildren by distance, please consider this as a way to be part of their lives. Imagine telling them a bedtime story on a regular basis by cassette.

Let me conclude with the words of a song which I fear some of you will think is mushy and sentimental. I believe it raises a question which is one of the central spiritual questions of our lives.

My Zeidi lived with us in my parents' house.
He used to laugh and put me on his knee.
And he spoke about his life in Poland,
He spoke with a bitter memory.
He spoke about the soldiers who would beat him.
They laughed at him and tore his long black coat.
He spoke about a synagogue that they burned down,
And the crying that could be heard beneath the smoke.

But Zeidi made us laugh and Zeidi make us sing,
And Zeidi made a Kiddush every Friday night.
And Zeidi, Oh, my Zeidi, how I loved him so,
And Zeidi used to teach me wrong from right.

His eyes lit up when he would teach me Torah.
He taught me every line, oh, so carefully.
He spoke about our slavery in Egypt land,
And how God took us out and made us free.

But winter went by and summer came along.
I went to camp to run and play,
And when I came back home, they said, "Zeidi's gone."
And all his books were packed and stored away.

I don't know why or how it came to be.
It happened slowly over many years.
We just stopped being Jewish like my Zeidi was.
And no one cared enough to shed a tear.

But Zeidi made us laugh,
And Zeidi made us sing,
And Zeidi made a seder Pesach night.
And Zeidi, O my Zeidi, how I loved him so.
And Zeidi used to teach me wrong from right.
Many winters went by, many summers came along,
And now my children sit in front of me.
And who will be the Zeidi of my children?
Who will be their Zeidi, if not me?
Who will be the Zeidi of our children?
Who will be their Zeidis, if not we?
Who will be their Zeidis, if not we?

Without grandparents, we become what Paul Cowan calls "orphans in history" - people without roots, people without links to the past. Grandparents represent the past and grandchildren represent the future - and each is incomplete without the other. Amen

This message is based on the writings of Rabbi Jack Riemer.

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