Rabbi Charles P. Sherman
Eric Andrew Golzar Bar Mitzvah
Shabbat Shemeot
January 17, 2004
Sources of Self-Worth
I want to speak with you this morning about some very important spiritual questions, questions which each of us has to struggle with all the days of our life. The questions are: Who am I? What am I worth? What is the source of my self-esteem?
B’nai mitzvah students have to deal with these questions when they are mustering up the courage to stand before their congregation. I regularly hear from parents, from students themselves, from the Cantor, that this student or that student is very nervous, even afraid of standing on the bima before the congregation. We provide two Shabbat eve opportunities in advance of the Bar/Bat Mitzvah ceremony to try to get the butterflies out, to prove to the students that they can do it. And yet, I think that looking out at the congregation on their big day – subconsciously if not consciously – thoughts which come to our young people’s mind include: Am I fit? Am I worthy? Will I make it?
Dear students, this is not the last time such questions will enter your minds and perhaps even disturb your sleep. A bride and groom have to deal with these questions as they prepare to take the first step down that wedding aisle which leads into a new stage of life. New parents are challenged by these questions as they watch the arrival of each child – not just their first.
Frankly, rabbis have to deal with these questions each time they dare to stand before a congregation and presume to teach. Salespeople have to deal with these questions every time they muster up the courage to knock at a client’s door, go in and make a pitch. All of us, at many times in our lives, have to deal with these questions. Who am I? What am I worth? What is the source of my self-esteem?
Today I would like to share with you three simple stories – for which I am grateful to Rabbi Arnold Turetsky. One occurred just a few years ago in Hollywood and involved a movie star. Another happened nearly a century ago in Russia to a composer. The third took place at the very beginning of our People’s history in the Sinai Desert and involved a shepherd. I believe that each story in its own way deals with these important questions.
Let’s go in chronological order. We begin with the story which occurred 3,000 years ago, at the very outset of the Book of Exodus which we begin studying in synagogues throughout the world today. As Eric read to us, God calls to Moses at the burning bush and says to him: "Go down to Egypt and face Pharaoh and tell him to let My People go." Moses answers: "Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh? He won’t listen to me and the people won’t listen to me because I am not fit; I am not a good speaker. I have a speech impediment. I cannot do it, God."
And what does God answer? God says: "Who is it that makes a person fit or unfit? It is not Pharaoh who decides if you are fit or not, and it is not the people. It is I, the Eternal God, who makes a person fit. If I say you are able to do it, then you are." Strengthened by that vote of confidence from God, Moses goes to Egypt, and eventually he succeeds.
I am touched by the answer that God gives Moses. What Pharaoh thinks of you does not matter. What the people think of you does not matter. What matters is what God thinks of you and what God puts inside of you. That is all that matters.
There were early years in my career when I would have thought that answer was a bit naive, pious talk. But the older I get, the more I realize how realistic an answer it is, better than any other that I know. For friends, what is the alternative? If we feel that our self-worth depends on what others think of us, then we are always at their mercy. We are always a beggar looking for approval. As other’s sense of opinion about us fluctuates, so does our sense of self-worth fluctuate, until we end up being insecure and unsure of ourself all the days of our life. No, it is not such a naive answer that we find in these opening chapters of Exodus. Who is it that makes us worthwhile, and who is it that gives us a sense of self-worth? It is not our neighbors and not our critics; it is God who made us, after all.
The second story makes this point even clearer. It is a story I read about the great composer Tchaikovsky. Tchaikovsky was a man who wrote magnificent music for the ballet, as well as splendid symphonies. He has many credits to his name. Yet in 1888, when the world premier for his Fifth Symphony was given in Leningrad, for some reason the audience and the orchestra did not respond very enthusiastically to Tchaikovsky’s music. They applauded politely, but without fervor. We do not know why. Perhaps it was too hot in the room, maybe the program was too long – for whatever reason, neither musicians or audiences responded enthusiastically to Tchaikovsky’s composition. The composer went home that night totally demolished by their lack of response. Tchaikovsky went into a deep depression which lasted two years.
Then, in 1890, his Fifth Symphony was performed again, this time in Hamburg, and this time it received a standing ovation. Tchaikovsky came home that night and wrote the following in his diary: "Now I feel reborn. Now I feel that I am worth something after all."
Think about it friends. It was the exact same composition performed in both places, identical notes. It was probably played no worse the first time, no better the second. And yet the reaction of the audience nearly destroyed Tchaikovsky the first time, and restored his sense of self-worth the second time. That is how vulnerable he was to public opinion. That is how needy he was for public praise. I find that a very sad story. No one should ever put themselves at the mercy of others to that extent. No one should ever be so dependent on praise or so afraid of criticism that their whole sense of self-worth goes up and down depending upon what others say or think or feel about them. No one should ever give other people that much power over oneself.
My third story took place some years ago. Shirley MacLaine is one of the great actresses of our generation. She is also somewhat of a flake, yet very articulate, author of several books. MacLaine won the Academy Award for her role in "Terms of Endearment", a well-deserved award for a marvelous performance. But what impressed me most was what she said in her acceptance speech.
Shirley MacLaine said: "In the end, let me tell you that film and life are both like clay, waiting for us to mold them. And when you trust your own insides about how to do it, that is your success. Not what others say about it, not whether you get an Oscar for it – those things are extra, frosting on the cake. But if you take a film or if you can take your life and mold it, and you can trust your own insides about how to do it, that constitutes success." She concluded: "I deserve it!" – and then she sat down.
Isn’t that a great line – "I deserve it!" Here is a woman who has an enormous sense of self-worth. A sense of self-esteem that comes from inside and is unaffected by what anyone else says, thinks or feels about her. Here is a woman who understands that critics have their own need to criticize, that sometimes they think their pulling someone else down is a way of making themselves seem important. But this actress does not let herself be frightened or hurt by what others say.
I hear an echo in Shirley MacLaine’s speech of what God said to Moses centuries ago. Who is it that makes a person able to speak well or not? Able to act well or not? Who is it that makes a person wise or not? Is it not I, the Eternal God?
May I respectfully suggest to every recent and upcoming Bar or Bat Mitzvah here this morning, to every prospective bride and bridegroom, to every new or experienced parent or grandparent, and to each person in this room who lives with moments of insecurity, anxiety and trepidation, that if God was confident enough about us to make us in God’s image; if God thought enough about us to take us out of Egypt; if God cared enough about us to give us the Torah; then we must be very important and very special and very precious in God’s sight. Regardless of what anyone else may say or think about us, remember that God thinks we are special and, therefore, so should we.
I believe this has been the secret of Jewish survival throughout the centuries. People thought and believed all kinds of dreadful things about us. They maligned us, they defamed us, they denounced us – but we Jews never internalized what they said, because we knew better. We knew who we were and where we came from and what we stood for. We knew that we were precious in God’s sight and, therefore, we were precious in our own sight.
Let this be the lesson of the Book of Exodus. To every B’nai Mitzvah who is afraid, to every bride and groom who is apprehensive when they start down that wedding aisle into an unknown future, to every human being sitting here today who wonders and worries about what others may say about you – remember who we are. May our sense of self-worth come from inside ourselves and from our God who made us in God’s own image. Amen
I am deeply grateful to Rabbi Arnold Turetsky for this message.
