Rabbi Charles P. Sherman
Consecration of Confirmands
June 10, 2005
Your Rabbi's Secret Formula for Dating Success
Before I begin this evening's message, I have two things I want to say. The first is that there are a lot of very intelligent students in this Confirmation class and, when I was fortunate enough to get their attention, good questions arose this year – even some that I could answer. I believe that this group of young Jews will be an asset to our People. Therefore, I hope that, in addition to family and friends, many congregants will be with us this Sunday for our Shavuot Eve Confirmation Service.
Secondly, you are a wonderful congregation. I am grateful to God that I have the privilege of being your Rabbi. This past Tuesday marked the 36th anniversary of my ordination, and I have spent 29 years of my rabbinate right here. I am deeply grateful for all the good things that many of you do for this Temple, for Judaism and for me. I may not say this often enough, so let me say it emphatically today – you are a great congregation!
The reason I begin my sermon this way is not only because it is true; class and congregation deserve these compliments – really you do. But also it is because I want to talk to you about the importance of – no, even more, the sacredness of compliments. The thesis of my sermon this evening is that it is a mitzvah – a mitzvah of the highest order – to give a compliment whenever you possibly can. I say this because I believe we live in a society where for some reason many people are suspicious of compliments and are reluctant to give them. Some people reason: if I give him a compliment, it will go to his head. Or, if I give her a compliment, she will wonder what it is I want from her. Therefore we are all much quicker to criticize than we are to praise.
Rabbi Wolfe Kelman was once present at a meeting where a boss openly and loudly addressed some very harsh criticisms to an employee. After the meeting was over, Rabbi Kelman spoke to the man who had been so critical and said to him: "You are an intelligent person. May I offer you a suggestion? If you want your employee to listen to your criticisms, why don't you compliment him first? Tell him how much you appreciate the things that he is doing right, then after that, offer him your constructive criticisms?"
I believe Rabbi Kelman was right. If we criticize somebody, we immediately get his defenses up and arouse his hostility. But if we tell him first this and this and this are things you are doing right, and we want you to know that we notice these things and appreciate them – then we offer our criticism – we have a much better chance of being listened to and learned from. Just as there is an art to criticizing, so there is an art to complimenting. Here are some suggestions on how to do it.
First, try to be specific, not just general in your praise. "Thank you for a lovely dinner" is okay. But, "The fillet was really fabulous" or "I liked the centerpieces" or "I really enjoyed meeting the guests you chose" – those are much better compliments.
Secondly, everybody needs compliments – everyone, with no exceptions. Workers need compliments; it makes them feel good about themselves, feel that the work they do is appreciated. As someone once said, a pat on the back sometimes does a lot more to motivate a worker than a kick in the pants.
Ken Blanchard who wrote "The One-Minute Manager" is an expert on labor relations. He has written a whole book on how to get your workers to be more productive. He tells that he was once on a TV talk show and spoke about the importance of praising someone who does something right. At the end of the show, one of the crew members came up to Blanchard with tears in his eyes and said: "I've been working at this station for over 20 years and no one has ever given me a compliment on my work. They reprimand me when I do something wrong, but they never seem to notice when I do something right. I sure wish that my boss had been here today to hear what you just said."
A woman tells a wonderful story about her son who runs a large business and has salespeople working for him in many cities. Once a year he chooses a "salesperson of the year." He goes to that individual's hometown, invites employee and spouse, children, parents, etc., to a lovely dinner in a good restaurant. There he makes a speech about the person's ability and presents him/her with a generous bonus with the employee's family looking on. Isn't that a nice thing to do?
And you know what? It pays. The salesperson who gets a bonus and who gets compliments in the presence of spouse and children and parents never forgets it and never gets over it. That individual ends us doing more for the business the following year than he or she did the year before – it has never failed.
What works with adults works with children as well. Studies have shown that telling children that they did a good piece of work makes a difference in how they feel about themselves. If you say that they succeeded because they worked hard, that has a better effect than telling children they succeeded because they are smart. A child has no control over his or her innate intelligence and therefore does not feel deserving of praise for it. But a child does have control over how hard she or he works, and so a compliment for that raises a child's sense of self-worth. Fellow parents, "hold their hands so that they can walk, let go so they can run, cheer so they can fly."
So my advice to you if you want to motivate someone who works for you, if you want to inspire your children to do better or be better than they are – compliment them. Compliments are life-enhancing. Therefore, it is a mitzvah to give compliments; we should not be stingy in doling out words of praise.
But just saying that is not enough, especially right before a holiday like Shavuot, the holiday which marks the giving of Torah. No sermon is complete or sufficiently Jewish unless it has a word of Torah in it. So where in the Tanach, where in our Bible, do we learn the value of giving compliments?
I found this truth in two places which I want to call to your attention. During this pre-Confirmation Service of Consecration, we are pointing toward Sinai. On Sunday, this class will stand symbolically at Mount Sinai, and what is the Haftorah for Shavuot? We studied it together – the Book of Ruth. The Book of Ruth is many things. It is a story about the need to welcome the stranger. It is a story about the importance of providing help for the poor and doing it tactfully. It is a story about the woman who became the great-grandmother of King David and, therefore, the ancestor of the Messiah.
Yes, the Book of Ruth is many things, but surely not the least of those things is a love story. It is the story of an older, wealthy man named Boaz who, according to tradition, was a widower; and a young woman named Ruth, a stranger, a foreigner who came from the land of Moab, the land of Israel's enemies. And they fell in love and married. How did it happen? How come this young and beautiful woman was willing to marry this older man? How come this older, wealthy man was willing to marry a foreigner? What was it that they saw in each other which brought them together, led them to fall in love with each other and to marry? Our Torah does not usually describe the details of a romance, but in this case it does. It records everything that these two said to each other when they first met. My dear students, listen carefully to this dialogue.
Boaz arrives from Bethlehem. He greets his workers and says to them, "Hashem imachem," "May God be with you" and they respond, "Yivarechicha Hashem," "May God bless you."
By the way, that is not a bad way for a boss to speak to his employees when he comes into the office. What would happen if, when you walked into your office every morning, you said to your secretary, "May God be with you"? That might be better than walking in and saying, "Make me a cup of coffee, please, and let me have my messages or get me so-and-so on the phone." Try it one day and see.
At any rate, Boaz greets his workers this way, and then he says to the foreman who is in charge of the group, "Who's that girl over there?" And the foreman says, "She's a Moabite girl who came back with Naomi from the Land of Moab." Notice how the foreman spoke. She is a Moabite girl, she is a foreigner, she comes from the land of our enemies, from the land of Moab, and then he adds, "who came back with Naomi."
Then the foreman reports: "she said to me, ‘May I please glean and gather behind the reapers?'" Why does the foreman report this? He is covering his posterior. In case the boss is angry that she has been allowed to gather and glean, he is saying, "It wasn't my idea, boss. Don't blame me. She asked for permission, so I said, ‘ All right.'"
And then the foreman goes on to say, "She has been on her feet ever since she came this morning, and she has hardly taken a single break." Notice. He gives her a compliment, but only at the very end. First, "she is a Moabite," then, "She asked permission," then, and only then, "By the way, she is a hard worker."
Now compare that to what Boaz said. He went over to Ruth, and said, "Shimi, biti, listen to me, my daughter." (This is how we learn that he must have been considerably older than she was.)
"Listen to me, my daughter. Don't go gleaning anywhere else. Stay here with my servants. Keep your eye on the field that they work in, and follow them. I will order my men not to molest you. And whenever you are thirsty, go to their jars, and drink some of the water that the men drink."
And Ruth bowed and said to him, "Why are you so good to me, even though I am a foreigner?" She was not just being coy. Ruth was genuinely moved that Boaz was being so generous to her, since she was a stranger.
Now note what Boaz said in reply. "I have heard of all that you did for your mother-in-law. I have heard how you left your parents and left your birthplace and came with her to a land and to a people that you had never known before. May God reward you for this good deed."
Isn't that a kind thing to say to a stranger? "I've heard about you; I've heard how good you have been to your mother-in-law. I've heard about how much faith and how much courage you have shown by leaving your parents' home and leaving your native land and coming here to this new place just to be with her, and I want you to know that I am impressed."
And what did Ruth say in response? She said, "You are most kind, my Lord, Ki Nichamtani, for you have comforted me, even though I am a stranger."
I confess that I never noticed that phrase before, "Ki nichamtani, for you have comforted me." It means, "I have been in need of comfort. I have felt lonely, I have felt out of place, I have missed my parents, I have been homesick, and your kind words, your compliments, have comforted me, and therefore, thank you. You are most kind."
Boaz won the heart of Ruth, not with his mature masculinity, and not with his money, but with his compliments. He won her heart by saying kind, welcoming, and generous words to her, by telling her, not how great HE is, but how much he is impressed with how good SHE is.
So how does Ruth win the heart of Boaz? By thanking him, and by praising him. She doesn't praise him for his good looks, or for his wealth. She praises him for his kindness. She compliments him on his goodness.
That's how their romance begins – a romance that eventually leads to their marriage, and to the beginning of the royal line that goes from Boaz to David, and from David to the Messiah.
This semester I spoke with our Confirmation Class about determining whom to date. Who is that group of eligibles that a young Jew can consider as datable? Tonight I want to make some suggestions on how to date successfully.
There is great wisdom for all those who want to date in this description of Boaz and Ruth's encounter. Do you want to win the heart of this girl, or of this guy? Do you want to impress your date? You won't do so by telling her how good YOU are. That will only alienate her. That will only make you seem arrogant and full of yourself. You will impress her be telling her how good she is. That will make you seem wise, and kind as well.
I once said about the marriage of a certain couple that I knew, "it is a great marriage, because they are both madly in love with him." But that is not really the formula for a successful romance. The chances of their making it are much better if they are madly in love with each other, and if they say so, often enough, and sincerely enough.
So this is your rabbi's advice on how to succeed at dating – don't be afraid to compliment. Compliments are as valuable, as precious, as needed, as anything else you can do for your dates.
A final word of Torah, just in case you are not yet convinced. On Shavuot we read the story of that moment at Sinai when God persuaded the people of Israel to enter into an ever-lasting brit, and to accept the Torah. Now how did that story begin? How did God persuade Israel to enter into this covenant with all the risks and the responsibilities which accompanied it?
The first thing that God told Moses to say to the people is: "Tell them that all the earth is Mine yet, never-the-less, if you accept this covenant, then you will be to Me a kingdom of priests and a holy people."
God was saying: I believe in you and I want you to believe in yourselves. I believe that you have the capacity to become an am kadosh – a holy people. I believe that you can be My treasure.
What was the response of the Israelites? They said: "Na-aseh v'nishma – we're in, we'll join; whatever God says we'll cherish and we will obey." Why did our ancestors say this? Why did they agree with one voice, with one heart, to enter into the covenant with God? Not only because they believed in God, but also because they felt that God believed in them. God felt they could do it and, if God felt they could do it, then maybe they really could do it. Such is the transforming power of a compliment. God understood this, and that is why God gave the people of Israel a compliment before God gave them the Torah. God understood the life-affirming and transforming power of a compliment – and so should we.
My dear students, the next time you go out on a date and you want to impress the girl or the boy, the man or the woman – read the Book of Ruth first. Learn from the words of Boaz and of Ruth. And, friends, the next time you want to motivate your workers – whether it is in your business or in your organization, the next time you want to inspire your Temple co-workers to be as good as they can possibly be, and the next time you want to motivate your children to work as hard as they should – remember what God said to the Israelites when they stood at the foot of Mount Sinai. Remember what God said to them before presenting them the Torah. God gave them a compliment, and that is what gave them the courage to enter the brit.
Think of what Boaz said when he wanted to win the heart of Ruth. Think of what God said when God wanted to win the hearts of the Jewish people. And when you think about what Boaz did and what God did, you do the same.
And now one final request. If you liked this sermon, when the service is over, give the Rabbi a compliment and tell him that you did. And if you did not like the sermon, lie. What will it cost you? Besides, if you do, it will do wonders for his morale and it will come back to you as a blessing. And for this, let us all say Amen.
What an insightful message that creative and wise rabbi, Jack Riemer, helped me write. I think he's great!
