Rabbi Charles P. Sherman
Shabbat Vayakhel
March 4, 2005
The Morality of Abstinence-Only Sex Education
Some religious traditions hold that devotion to God and abstinence from physical intimacy go hand-in-hand. For example, picture a serene monk or a genial nun, celibate and ascetic. This view holds that God relates best to those who have separated themselves from physically intimate relationships. According to this philosophy, of course, God chose the wrong method by which to populate the earth. The world would be a much "holier" place if we all had just popped off trees.
Judaism has always maintained that rather than being a necessary evil, sex can be an act of extreme holiness. One classic example of this Jewish teaching is in this week's Torah portion. Our ancestors in the desert have constructed the Mishkan, the portable sanctuary. In Exodus 38:8 we read: "[Bezalel] made the laver of copper and its stand of copper, from the mirrors of the women." Now let's understand what this verse is reporting. The laver was a wash basin. In this basin the priests were to purify their hands and feet in preparation for performing the holy service of the Mishkan. The basin, the laver, was constructed out of mirrors contributed by Israelite women.
The Midrash explains about the mirrors. When the Israelites were enslaved in Egypt, Pharaoh decreed that the Israelite men should no longer sleep at home so that they could not engage in sexual intercourse with their wives. Again, Pharaoh's goal was to exterminate the Jewish people. He utilized several different methods to accomplish this. One, the midwives who delivered Jewish women were to kill every baby boy. Two, Pharaoh was trying to work the men to death through forced labor. Three, he kept the men away from their wives so as to make procreation impossible.
So what did the Israelite women do? According to the Midrash, the women would go out to the field, and bring food and drink to their tired husbands. While they were eating and drinking, the women took out mirrors and would look at them with their husbands. She would say, "I'm better looking than you." He would say, "No I'm better looking than you." In this way, the Midrash informs us, they came to desire one another sexually, and they became fruitful and multiplied. The Holy One, blessed be God, visited them and they conceived. Therefore, on account of these mirrors by which the women aroused their husband's sexual ardor, they ensured the future of the Jewish People.
Understand that the mirrors which we are studying about tonight were means of enticement and seduction. I think today we would call them sex toys, used to arouse tired men.
The Midrash continues. Some time later, the Holy One, blessed be God, spoke to Moses concerning the making of the Tabernacle. All of Israel eagerly contributed to the efforts – some brought gold or silver, some brought precious stones. The women said, "what have we to contribute to the building of the Tabernacle?"
Immediately they brought their mirrors to Moses. When Moses saw those mirrors, the very ones used to entice their husbands to engage in sexual activity, he was enraged. Moses said to the Israelites: "Take sticks and break the thighs of these women. Why in the world would we need these mirrors in such a holy place?"
Then the Holy One, blessed be God, said: "Moses, Moses. On account of these mirrors you show disdain, or shall we say even contempt? These very mirrors gave rise to all the hosts of Israel. Take them, these very mirrors and make from them a basin and its stand of copper for the priests, from which the priests will become pure and holy."
In this extraordinary midrash, Moses is clearly set up as a foil to underscore the positive attitude Jewish tradition posits with respect to human sexuality. Sex is not something to be kept under the sheets, so to speak, or to be considered unworthy of public attention. Rather, in the words of the Midrash: "From which basins the priests will become pure and holy." The religious leaders and teachers of the people will be made pure by washing their hands in the lavers made from the mirrors by which the women engaged in sexual union with their husbands.
Sex here is not dirty or sinful; to the contrary, it is pure and holy. Unlike Moses, who deemed the mirrors an inappropriate contribution for the building of the Mishkan, the priests are instructed by God to actually cleanse their hands in the laver by which means the hosts of Israel were brought forth. Mirrors are not only deemed by God to be an appropriate contribution, but are given prominence in their use by the priests.
Rashi, the greatest biblical commentator, explains about the mirrors: "God said to Moses, These are dearer to Me than all the other contributions. . ."
We Jews have a tradition which claims that all of life can be made holy. And we teachers of that tradition are obligated to enlighten our people concerning all of life, including the facts of life. Our people want to know more and more about how Jewish tradition can inform their lives, especially in the area of sexual ethics. In this post "sexual revolution" age, people are re-evaluating their sexual standards. A great many questions are being asked: what about premarital sex, extramarital affairs, living together outside of marriage, dating habits and mores, modesty in dress, homosexuality, contraception, abortion, etc. Shall we turn a deaf ear to our people's yearning for answers or, perhaps worse, leave Dr. Ruth and Dr. Laura as our sages and seers. Shall Reality TV and "The Joy of Sex" and "Dear Abby" and movies be the sole sources of our young people's value formation? I think not.
To show you how important this area of sexual ethics is today and how grave are the challenges which some are mounting in the name of "family values", two of the four Friday evening sermons this month – my message tonight and our Sisterhood Sabbath guest speaker's message – deal in this arena.
For tonight's topic, The Morality of Abstinence-Only Sex Education, I think most of you know what we are talking about, but I am going to define it.
A couple of weeks ago the Tulsa World had an article about "purity pledges" – fathers and daughters signing a covenant to support the girls' virginity til marriage. A growing number of churches and religious-based organizations are pushing this purity program. The purity promise industry has even spawned a number of interesting products – panties and boxers decorated with stop signs, t-shirts which read "pet your dog, not your date."
Let me be clear about where this teacher stands. I believe that teenagers have no business being sexually active. The risks are enormous. We all know about AIDS, but HIV is only one of a host of sexually transmitted diseases plaguing this nation and our world. Chlamydia is spreading at epidemic rates. Unfortunately, syphilis and gonorrhea have not gone the way of smallpox and polio. The emotional pitfalls of teenage sexual activity are also serious. Young people can be badly scarred by having sex before they are ready. Unhealthy sexual relations during the teen years may hinder the development of healthy relationships in adulthood. Let me add that from what I read and see on documentaries, sexual activity today even takes place among some pre-teens. Obviously what I say about teenagers holds even more true for pre-teens.
I believe that teenagers should be sexually abstinent, because teenagers have no business becoming parents. Certainly we all know girls who got pregnant too young and went on to happy, productive lives with normal, healthy children. Yet the reality in America is devastating. Teenage pregnancy kills dreams. Teenage pregnancy leads to poverty and dependence on welfare. Teenage pregnancy too often ends a girl's education. Teenage pregnancy frequently results in a child who will become a teenage parent. Teenage pregnancies sometimes end with abortion, possibly the best choice among bad options, but clearly not a first choice.
Judaism teaches teenagers that they should not engage in sexual intercourse. Our instruction is founded on the tradition surrounding marriage. Marriage is called, in Hebrew, kiddushin – which means "holiness." I try to teach young people, as well as adults, that the standard for deciding whether a couple is ready to have sexual relations is kiddushin. Holiness must abide for sexual relations to be appropriate. Kiddushin requires, among other important considerations, that there be love between the partners. Their decision to engage in sexual relations must be mutual. Both partners must be entirely faithful. The only holy sexual relationship is one that is absolutely exclusive.
In order for kiddushin to exist, both partners must have the ability to make adult decisions. They are required to engage in open and honest conversation about contraception and health protection, with all proper precautions taken. Finally, and perhaps most importantly, couples who choose to have sexual relations must be ready to co-parent should pregnancy result.
If kiddushin does not exist, if holiness does not abide in the relationship, Judaism requires abstinence. So I am going to say it one more time. If there is no love, there is no kiddushin, and abstinence is required. If there is not full mutuality in the decision to have sexual relations, abstinence is required. If both parties are not fully faithful, abstinence is required. If either party is not adult, abstinence is required. If the couple does not discuss and act upon decisions about contraception and health protection, abstinence is required. If the couple is not prepared to become parents together, abstinence is required.
So what is the problem today, Rabbi? It seems that conservative church bodies are teaching abstinence, that the President is seeking increased funding to push abstinence, and you are saying that Judaism teaches abstinence. Yet you sound as if something is wrong. There is! The greatest mitzvah, the highest obligation in Judaism is pikuach nefesh – saving a life. As you know, we Jews are obligated to set aside the performance of many other good and positive deeds, and even to perform some negative ones, if we are able to save a life in the process.
Abstinence-plus programs encourage abstinence but also teach contraception. I believe that we are religiously enjoined to teach the potentially life-saving benefits of contraception, even to those young people who should be abstaining from sexual relations. Yes, we must teach abstinence; but, we also must provide medically accurate sex education. I am convinced that abstinence-only sex education kills. I am more and more suspicious that abstinence-only sex education is not primarily about promoting abstinence, it is about refusing to teach contraception.
Imagine a teenage girl in a federally-funded abstinence-only education program in her public school. Let me explain that. In 1988, 2% of sex ed teachers in public schools used the abstinence-only approach – 2%. Today, 25% teach abstinence-only. In fiscal year 2001, the last budget passed under the Clinton administration, abstinence-only programs received approximately $80 million in federal funding. President Bush has proposed $270 million for abstinence-only programs in fiscal year 2005. These programs are also called "abstinence education" or "abstinence-until-marriage education." These programs promote abstinence from all sexual activity, usually until marriage, as the only way – the only way – to reduce the risks of pregnancy, disease, and other potential consequences of sex. So abstinence-only education, which does not teach basic facts about contraception, now reaches millions of children and adolescents each year.
I am indebted to Rita Moskowitz who, several months ago, brought to the attention of our Community Relations Committee – of which Rita has been a loyal, activist member for decades – a study prepared by Representative Henry Waxman, a lundsman, on the content of federally funded abstinence-only education programs. Either Rita, or Robert Cohen at the CRC, or I will be happy to make available copies of the Waxman Study to any of our congregants who would like a copy.
There is all kinds of factual misinformation in many of the programs which our federal government is supporting. This very thorough paper quotes studies which have found that abstinence-only education does not appear to decrease teen pregnancy or the risk of sexually transmitted diseases. Columbia University researchers found that while virginity "pledge" programs helped some participants to delay sex, 88% still had premarital sex and their rates of sexually transmitted diseases showed no statistically significantly difference from those of non-pledgers. Furthermore, virginity pledgers were also less likely to use contraception when they did have sex, and were less likely to seek sexually transmitted disease testing, despite comparable infection rates.
So let's go back. Imagine a teenage girl whose sex education has consisted wholly of an abstinence-only program in public school. She raises her hand and says: "I understand that the best way to protect myself is abstinence. But suppose I do have sex, how can I protect myself from getting chlamydia or gonorrhea or syphilis or HIV or pregnant?" The teacher's legally mandated response is that only abstinence will work. The instructor may only discuss contraception by describing various methods' failure rates. Sadly, though, these teachers may not mention the rampant failure rate of abstinence.
So one night our abstinence-only student may get drunk and let down her guard. Perhaps she makes a whimsical – although foolish and immoral – decision to have a one-night stand. Maybe despite all of her teacher's pleas, she and her long-term boyfriend will decide after much discussion and consideration that they are ready for a sexual relationship. If so, her so-called sex education will have failed her by not having taught her how to keep herself from getting chlamydia or gonorrhea or syphilis or HIV or pregnant. Dear friends, abstinence-only education kills! It is absolutely immoral.
American teens have as much sexual activity as teens in Canada or Europe; but, American girls are four times as likely as German girls to become pregnant, five times as likely as French girls to have a baby, seven times as likely as Dutch girls to have an abortion, and five times as likely as German girls to contract HIV. Whatever we are doing in terms of sexuality education is not working very well.
Young people do not always do what their teachers – even their rabbis or preachers – tell them. And yet we adults have a responsibility to tell our youth what we believe. Young people do listen to the adults they respect. We must tell our youth the truth. We must give them the information they need. We must not naively convince ourselves that they will refrain from sexual activity just because they should.
We must communicate a clear moral message. I teach our Confirmation students about kiddushin and, therefore, about abstinence. We also must give them medically accurate information about how to protect themselves if they choose to have sex anyway. Comprehensive sex education that both encourages abstinence and teaches about effective contraceptive use has been shown in many studies, according to the Waxman Paper, to delay sex, reduce the frequency of sex, and increase the use of condoms and other contraceptives.
We live in a pluralistic society, which has almost become a cliche. The messages of different faiths vary. Judaism teaches that sexuality is a beautiful, natural part of life. We do not have monks and nuns. I believe that Judaism consistently argues that sexuality belongs within the marriage relationship. Jewish tradition regards human sex drives as normal and healthy; procreation is not the only purpose for sexual relations. In fact, traditional Jewish marriage law requires a husband to satisfy his wife's sexual needs. Sexuality is understood in Judaism to play a role in enhancing the relationship, even if we are not intending to "be fruitful and multiply" at the time.
We Jews recognize that other faiths' teachings may be different from ours, and yet we should be outraged that in our public schools our young people's lives are being imperiled because of religiously motivated, federally mandated sex education that does not teach our kids how to protect their lives when they act irresponsibly. We do not expect our religious convictions about appropriate sexual behavior to be taught in government supported programs – that is our job, in the Temple and the synagogue. We suffer no delusion that our views have some kind of inherent, objective superiority. But we must not stand idly by while extremists, who believe that only they are right, exercise undue influence on the current government to kill young people with sexual ignorance in the name of abstinence. We must not cede the moral high ground on sexual matters to those who would put the power of the state behind their own particular religious teachings.
I believe that we must let America know that protecting our young people from disease and from unwanted pregnancy is not just a Jewish teaching, it is the highest American value. Abstinence-only sex education kills. We must help America choose life. Amen
I am grateful to my colleagues Rabbi Bradd Boxman and especially Rabbi Barry H. Block whose writings have contributed to this message.
